Let Your Children Choose

One of the most important things we can do for our children is help them learn how to make good decisions so that they're prepared to go into the world and make their own decisions without our help.  There are many benefits to starting early with letting children choose.  Kohn goes over some of them in his book:

1.  It helps develop the child's autonomy (Kohn, p. 168)
2.  It helps them learn to make decisions rather than just follow directions or follow the herd (Kohn, p. 169).
3.  It empowers them to deal constructively with disempowering situations (Kohn, p. 170)

Its important as a parent to help your children make decisions but to let them sort of take the reins in their decision making.  When they're old enough, let them generate their own decisions and opinions and let up on your own parental control.

Our Heavenly Father does this for us by giving us our agency.  We learn in the scriptures, "That every man may act in doctrine and principle pertaining to futurity, according to the moral agency which I have given unto him, that every man may be accountable for his own sins in the day of judgment" (Doctrine and Covenants 101:78).  We have the ability to choose and we become responsible for our actions.  This is something we also need to teach our children.  We let them choose and become responsible for their choices.

Consistency Is Key

With young children especially, it is key to be consistent in your routines, expectations, and rules.  According to Steinberg, "The single greatest contributor to children's disciplinary problems is inconsistent parenting" (Steinberg, p. 127).  Routines for kids create a rhythm within the household which enables you as a parent as well as your child to know what to expect.  However, you need to be careful that you don't become too rigid with your routines and rules.  Says Steinberg, "The difference between being consistent and being rigid is that consistent discipline is adapted to fit the situation, whereas rigid discipline is the same regardless of circumstances" (Steinberg, p. 137).

Having grown up in a gospel centered home, I have been taught the importance of consistency with things like scripture study and prayer.  In Elder David A. Bednar's October 2009 General Conference address entitled "More Diligent and Concerned at Home" he says, "Consistency is a key principle as we lay the foundation of a great work in our individual lives and as we become more diligent and concerned in our own homes."  Consistency teaches our children our values and our love, so it is key in being involved at home.

Let Kids Create & Dream & Fail

So often children start out being so creative and such dreamers and then they become aware of "societal norms" and their creativity and dreams become dictated by what's "normal" or "acceptable".  I feel very strongly that we need to continue to foster our children's creativity and capability to dream, especially when they're young.  I feel that it's those kids who aren't trapped by what's normal who really learn to think outside the box and who go on to do really amazing things in the world.
Another thing that I think is extremely important is to let kids fail and learn from their mistakes.  I think about people like Walt Disney and Albert Einstein who were rejected and seen as failures, but learned and pressed forward.  Eventually they became some of the most well-known people in the world for their contributions.  One of the most important things we can teach our children is to keep trying even after failure.
We come from the most creative being in the universe.  God created this beautiful world and was not held back by norms.  In President Dieter F. Utchdorf's October 2008 General Conference talk entitled "Happiness, Your Heritage" he says, "What you create doesn’t have to be perfect. So what if the eggs are greasy or the toast is burned? Don’t let fear of failure discourage you. Don’t let the voice of critics paralyze you—whether that voice comes from the outside or the inside."
By fostering creativity, dreaming, and comeback from failure, we can teach our children to think in new ways, to be innovative, and to think more critically when they're not bound by what is "socially acceptable".

Put Yourself In Your Child's Shoes

You cannot really understand your children or their needs unless you put yourself in their shoes.  Its hard to be a parent, but its also really hard to be a kid.  Kohn calls this concept of stepping into someone else's shoes "perspective taking" (Kohn, p. 204) and suggests that it does three things for us as parents:

1.  It helps us figure our what's really going on with our kids
2.  It makes us more patient with our child's moods
3.  It helps us set an example for our children
(Kohn, p. 206-207)

As parents we sometimes have a hard time putting ourselves in our childrens' shoes and sympathizing with them because we were children once.  We have had the same experiences, but we also now have the knowledge to know that everything is going to be okay even if our balloon floats away or our peas are touching our potatoes.  Our children don't have that same understanding and we can't expect them to.

The only person who truly understands our every need is the Savior who, in essence, put himself in our shoes through the atonement.  In James E. Faust's October 2001 General Conference address entitled "The Atonement: Our Greatest Hope" he states, "The overwhelming message of the Atonement is the perfect love the Savior has for each and all of us. It is a love which is full of mercy, patience, grace, equity, long-suffering, and, above all, forgiving."  Should we not be merciful and patient with our children?  Should we not be long-suffering and forgiving?  The best way to love our children and understand what we need to do for them is to step into their shoes just as the Lord stepped into ours.

Change How You See, Not Just How You Act

Alfie Kohn is all about unconditional parenting and using techniques that work with your children rather than do to your children.  One of his 13 principles in his book entitled "Unconditional Parenting" is to change how you see and not just how you act.  He talks about the difference between conditional and unconditional parents in the case of "bad behavior".  Conditional parents will see the behavior as something that needs to be punished but, "Unconditional parents are apt to see the same act as a problem to be solved, an opportunity for teaching rather than for making the child suffer" (Kohn, p. 124).

It takes A LOT more patience to try and work with and teach your children than to just inflict consequences for their actions.  Kohn calls for a much higher level of thinking within parents and urges them to put themselves in their children's shoes; to see as they see.

We learn in the scriptures that, "Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven" (Matthew 18:4).  Our children are our greatest teachers and can help us change how we see and act if we're only willing to take the take to work with them.  We are more the beneficiaries of this than our children.

Adapt Your Parenting To Fit Your Child

Not all of your children are going to be the same, so you should never try and parent them in the same way.  You need to keep in mind your child's temperament, personality, and development in order to parent in the most effective way.  In President Boyd K. Packer's October 1977 General Conference address entitled "The Balm of Gilead" he states, ""There is another part of us, not so tangible, but quite as real as our physical body.  This intangible part of us is described as mind, emotion, intellect, temperament, and many other things. Very seldom is it described as spiritual. But there is a spirit in man; to ignore it is to ignore reality." You cannot ignore the diverse facets of all your children.  You have to be sensitive to them and willing to change your parenting styles for them.

Steinberg suggests, "Don't try to refashion your child's disposition...Your child is who he is in part because he was born that way, and you and he are just going to have to learn how to adapt to his nature" (Steinberg, p. 71).

Accepting and loving your children no matter what their temperaments are is key to good parenting.  One of the things we talked about in regards to temperament was the Big 5.  There is a personality test you can take that will measure different facets of your personality and will give you a better idea of your own temperament.  These are my results:

THE BIG 5 PERSONALITY TEST

Your Results
Closed-Minded		Open to New Experiences
Disorganized		Conscientious
Introverted		Extraverted
Disagreeable		Agreeable
Calm / Relaxed		Nervous / High-Strung

Openness to Experience/Intellect
	High scorers tend to be original, creative, curious, complex; Low scorers tend to be conventional, down to earth, narrow interests, uncreative.
		You are relatively open to new experiences.	(Your percentile: 65)
Conscientiousness
	High scorers tend to be reliable, well-organized, self-disciplined, careful; Low scorers tend to be disorganized, undependable, negligent.
		You are neither organized or disorganized.	(Your percentile: 58)
Extraversion
	High scorers tend to be sociable, friendly, fun loving, talkative; Low scorers tend to be introverted, reserved, inhibited, quiet.
		You probably enjoy spending quiet time alone.	(Your percentile: 9)
Agreeableness
	High scorers tend to be good natured, sympathetic, forgiving, courteous; Low scorers tend to be critical, rude, harsh, callous.
		You are neither extremely forgiving nor irritable.	(Your percentile: 44)
Neuroticism
	High scorers tend to be nervous, high-strung, insecure, worrying; Low scorers tend to be calm, relaxed, secure, hardy.
		You are generally relaxed.	(Your percentile: 37)